Let's see... How do I go about breaking another long silence here on the hallowed pages of Illogical Contraption? An in-depth post on recent actions in the imminent Reptilian-Grey Alliance invasion and the Andromeda Council's efforts to stop it? Nah. A lengthy expose on the forgotten heroes of the Swedish death metal scene, including extensive downloads, never-before-seen pictures, and verbose pontifications on their overall contributions to the global music scene? Fuck that. Perhaps a 'Part 2' piece to that 'Primer on Modern Cryptozoology' I posted lo those many, many moons ago, encompassing the many updates and documented specimens collected in the last 2 years? No, not that.
Today, we're gonna explore a topic much more important and interesting than any of that shit. We're gonna talk about a second-hand tabloid story from 6 months ago that I found on TMZ.
So.Who remembers Shelby Cobra? No, not Shelby CobraS, as in ME, but Shelby COBRA (no "s"), lead singer for the all-girl Radio Disney pop-punk(?) group KSM. I wrote about her here and here in the past, but in case you lazy fucks don't want to click through and read my brilliant rants, I'll boil it down to a couple key paragraphs:
Shelby Cobra draws her influence from artists like Cyndi Lauper and Janis Joplin, and in February joined a manufactured band of watered-down "scene chicks" constructed by the production team of Robbie Nevil and Matthew Gerard and sponsored by Radio Disney. They are called "KSM", they are Hot Topic to the core,and you can check out their Myspace page here. They are also currently gaining massive amounts of popularity, with the endorsement of the Jonas Brothers and appearances on both Good Morning, America and Rachael Ray under their shiny belts. This is all kinds of wrong, but the arch-nemesis connection goes even deeper. Read on...
Shelby Cobra lists her heritage as "Italian-Swedish-Polish-Italian", a twisted mirror of my own proud geneology. You see, I am half Italian, in addition to being a quarter German (Germany borders Poland) and a quarter Norwegian (Norway borders Sweden). Is this strange duality somehow programmed into our very genetic material? Mere dislike or age-old blood feud? Hmmmm...As the kids would say, this chick is "jocking my steez" in a major way. She is besmirching the honorable Cobras family name, bringing shame down on an institution that has always stood for truth, justice, and HEAVY METAL.
There is only one course of action to be taken here. "Shelby Cobra" must be destroyed, with great haste and without mercy.
Well, as TMZ reported on Sept. 11, 2011 (IllCon is always on top of the hottest celeb news stories), the pretender to the throne has indeed been crushed. Read this awesome, well-written TMZ story in its entirety below:"Shelby Cobra, lead singer of the now-defunct Disney girl band KSM, was arrested early Friday morning for driving under the influence -- and according to our sources ... her blood alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Did we mention she's only 18?
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... Cobra, real name Shelby Spalione, was spotted in Studio City driving a 2005 Ford F150 with the dome light on and a passenger who was not only not wearing a seat belt, but was sitting sideways.
We're told when cops pulled the car over, they detected alcohol on Shelby's breath and administered a blood alcohol test ... which registered a whopping 0.15%.
She was arrested and booked into Van Nuys jail at around 2:00 AM. Shelby was released just before 11:00 AM on her own recognizance.
KSM was originally formed as a kids version of a Go-Go's cover band. Shelby joined the group later on and the focus shifted from pop to rock. The band broke up in 2010.
Calls to Shelby's people have not been returned."
Dang. Shades of 'Burning Dan', anyone?I mean, it's no secret that when you fuck with IllCon, you will be summarily destroyed. But the fact that this news story broke on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? Seems like pretty goddamn solid proof that the good old U.S. of A. has our back, and is willing to strike down our foes through whatever means necessary. The demise of Shelby Cobra's career, whether it came about by mere happenstance, flagrant personal disregard for the law, or massive US Government Conspiracy in collusion with the IllCon Hidden Hand Tribunal of Elders, was nonetheless foretold and unavoidable, and I urge all those who would oppose our dear institution to take note carefully.
That being said, I would like to end this post by offering IllCon's full support of the incoming presidential regime, whether it be led by the proud, regal Rick Santorum (right), or the fierce, bold Mitt Romney (below). Heed the Council! The Santorupocalypse is upon us! Join us in our quest for global American dominance, and our crusade against moral degeneracy at the hands of homosexuals, perverts, liberals, circus clowns, and music bloggers! Hand in hand, Illogical Contraption and the United States Government will strike down any scourge, be it poorly-named pop singers, domestic terrorists, sodomizers of the human ass, or "heavy metal musicians".December 21st, 2012 is upon us. Let us march forth to greet it, together, as Americans--as a united front, a God-fearing and CHOSEN nation--The Contrap-Nation.
Let this message be a warning to all.
