KARMA IS A MOTHERFUCKER

Let's see... How do I go about breaking another long silence here on the hallowed pages of Illogical Contraption? An in-depth post on recent actions in the imminent Reptilian-Grey Alliance invasion and the Andromeda Council's efforts to stop it? Nah. A lengthy expose on the forgotten heroes of the Swedish death metal scene, including extensive downloads, never-before-seen pictures, and verbose pontifications on their overall contributions to the global music scene? Fuck that. Perhaps a 'Part 2' piece to that 'Primer on Modern Cryptozoology' I posted lo those many, many moons ago, encompassing the many updates and documented specimens collected in the last 2 years? No, not that.
Today, we're gonna explore a topic much more important and interesting than any of that shit. We're gonna talk about a second-hand tabloid story from 6 months ago that I found on TMZ.

So.
Who remembers Shelby Cobra? No, not Shelby CobraS, as in ME, but Shelby COBRA (no "s"), lead singer for the all-girl Radio Disney pop-punk(?) group KSM. I wrote about her here and here in the past, but in case you lazy fucks don't want to click through and read my brilliant rants, I'll boil it down to a couple key paragraphs:

Shelby Cobra draws her influence from artists like Cyndi Lauper and Janis Joplin, and in February joined a manufactured band of watered-down "scene chicks" constructed by the production team of Robbie Nevil and Matthew Gerard and sponsored by Radio Disney. They are called "KSM", they are Hot Topic to the core,and you can check out their Myspace page here. They are also currently gaining massive amounts of popularity, with the endorsement of the Jonas Brothers and appearances on both Good Morning, America and Rachael Ray under their shiny belts. This is all kinds of wrong, but the arch-nemesis connection goes even deeper. Read on...

Shelby Cobra lists her heritage as "Italian-Swedish-Polish-Italian", a twisted mirror of my own proud geneology. You see, I am half Italian, in addition to being a quarter German (Germany borders Poland) and a quarter Norwegian (Norway borders Sweden). Is this strange duality somehow programmed into our very genetic material? Mere dislike or age-old blood feud? Hmmmm...
As the kids would say, this chick is "jocking my steez" in a major way. She is besmirching the honorable Cobras family name, bringing shame down on an institution that has always stood for truth, justice, and HEAVY METAL.

There is only one course of action to be taken here. "Shelby Cobra" must be destroyed, with great haste and without mercy.

Well, as TMZ reported on Sept. 11, 2011 (IllCon is always on top of the hottest celeb news stories), the pretender to the throne has indeed been crushed. Read this awesome, well-written TMZ story in its entirety below:

"Shelby Cobra, lead singer of the now-defunct Disney girl band KSM, was arrested early Friday morning for driving under the influence -- and according to our sources ... her blood alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Did we mention she's only 18?
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... Cobra, real name Shelby Spalione, was spotted in Studio City driving a 2005 Ford F150 with the dome light on and a passenger who was not only not wearing a seat belt, but was sitting sideways.
We're told when cops pulled the car over, they detected alcohol on Shelby's breath and administered a blood alcohol test ... which registered a whopping 0.15%.
She was arrested and booked into Van Nuys jail at around 2:00 AM. Shelby was released just before 11:00 AM on her own recognizance.
KSM was originally formed as a kids version of a Go-Go's cover band. Shelby joined the group later on and the focus shifted from pop to rock. The band broke up in 2010.
Calls to Shelby's people have not been returned."



Dang. Shades of 'Burning Dan', anyone?
I mean, it's no secret that when you fuck with IllCon, you will be summarily destroyed. But the fact that this news story broke on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? Seems like pretty goddamn solid proof that the good old U.S. of A. has our back, and is willing to strike down our foes through whatever means necessary. The demise of Shelby Cobra's career, whether it came about by mere happenstance, flagrant personal disregard for the law, or massive US Government Conspiracy in collusion with the IllCon Hidden Hand Tribunal of Elders, was nonetheless foretold and unavoidable, and I urge all those who would oppose our dear institution to take note carefully.

That being said, I would like to end this post by offering IllCon's full support of the incoming presidential regime, whether it be led by the proud, regal Rick Santorum (right), or the fierce, bold Mitt Romney (below). Heed the Council! The Santorupocalypse is upon us! Join us in our quest for global American dominance, and our crusade against moral degeneracy at the hands of homosexuals, perverts, liberals, circus clowns, and music bloggers! Hand in hand, Illogical Contraption and the United States Government will strike down any scourge, be it poorly-named pop singers, domestic terrorists, sodomizers of the human ass, or "heavy metal musicians".
December 21st, 2012 is upon us. Let us march forth to greet it, together, as Americans--as a united front, a God-fearing and CHOSEN nation--The Contrap-Nation.

Let this message be a warning to all.

SANDWICH SMACKDOWN 2k12

OK, CHUDS, IT'S TIME TO PICK A SIDE. SUBWAY OR QUIZNOS!?
Both are complete garbage trash shit food but we eat them anyway.

Subway pros:
Cheap as fuck.
That magical bread smell!
Sandwiches are made by "artist" (I think they go to art school).
They are located everywhere.
Their spokesperson, Jared, is a really cool, cute dude.

Cons:
Shredded lettuce does not live up to its name.
That magical bread smell
Too many sauces, so little time!
Tomatoes taste like fish.
Breakfast.

Here is some advice regarding Subway breakfast from Hawaiian resident and "friend of the show" Grady. Heed his warning:

[15:28] grady: btw dont ever get breakfast at subway its disgusting
[15:29] cory: describe it to me
[15:29] grady : ok
[15:30] grady : i got an egg + cheese english muffin
[15:30] grady : they go
[15:30] grady : "do you want egg whites or whole eggs"
[15:30] grady : i go "whole eggs"
[15:30] grady : they reach into the little compartments where they keep all the sandwich toppings
[15:31] cory: right
[15:31] grady : and take out a PRE-COOKED pancake looking cold omlette
[15:31] grady : slices it in half
[15:31] grady : and tosses it in the microwave
[15:32] cory: ugh thats fucked up

Quiznos PROS:
Premium ingredients
MMMM toasty
Ranch dressing on MY sandwich? SIGN ME UP!
Those little guitar playing meme hamsters

CONS:
HOT LETTUCE
HOT LETTUCE
HOT LETTUCE

We do not have Blimpies and Jimmy John on the West Coast but I am intrigued.

There is a "metal" food truck called Grill Em' All. Lol.

hi

Check out this Arsenio guy have a very bad day with sandwich!

And now we will celebrate great sandwiches in movies.



My #1 is always and forever Gary Busey's meatball sub in Point Break. YEAH!

What is yours?

Velvet Merlin, Merkins, and Such.

Seeing as my last post related to beer was a hit, I'd figure I'd post another one. I recently found a new beer that I think is worthy of your attention so sit back, pop open a cold one, and enjoy (or something to that extent).

Recently, I went down to an old watering hole of mine here in town appropriately called Humboldt Brews (or otherwise known as Humbrews by the locals here). Humboldt Brews was once the fabled and renowned Humboldt Brewing Company, Arcata's one and only brewery during the 90's and early 2000's (Note: Arcata has a new brewery, Redwood Curtain Brewing Co., that opened two years ago but I'll expand on this another time). Humboldt Brewing Company were famous for their Nectar Ales and Hemp Ale but the brewing rights were bought by Firestone Walker Brewing Co. in 2000 and the brewing process was relocated to Paso Robles. Humboldt Brewery ceased operations entirely in 2003 much to the dismay of the town's residents. Despite the change, the Nectar Ales line have continued under the auspices of Firestone Walker.

The main bar and pub that once housed Humboldt Brewery reopened in 2004 under the new moniker Humboldt Brews complete with a remodel, new menu, expanded beer selection, and an employee-owned staff. The place is currently owned and run by two of the original employees who remodeled and opened the former "brewing room" adjacent to the building that houses the pub as a main music and events hall complete with a full stage. At the time they reopened they boasted the largest selection of beer on tap in the Arcata/Eureka area (20 beers) and have tried to keep a relative good selection on hand. The place is still a draw for both locals and tourists alike but the atmosphere has changed significantly from the days when one could smell fresh malt permeating the streets of downtown Arcata and one could walk into the pub with a serious case of the DTs and no one gave a damn. The new incarnation of the brew-pup is friendly enough though, with good waiters and waitresses, large portions of food, and a relatively constant rotation of beer on tap as well as live music almost nightly. However I usually find myself making the one-mile hike down to Redwood Curtain Brewing Co. on the premise that the beer there is brewed on site and the walk down allows for some exercise. Plus, it helps to know those who work there ;)

So I found myself at Humbrews the other evening with my roommate and knowing that I wasn't really into an "IPA mood" I was curious if they still had a particular stout on tap that I remembered trying a month prior that was pretty impressive.

Velvet Merlin, formerly known as Velvet Merkin prior to bottling, is an oatmeal stout that is brewed by Firestone Walker and while I'm not the biggest fan of Firestone Walker, this ale is outstanding!

The original name "Merkin" is in reference to a public wig that were originally worn by prostitutes after having shaved their genitalia. Why the beer was given this moniker is a mystery but the origin of the pubic wig dates back to the 1400s when women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin in an attempt to combat lice and cover up signs of disease. Merkins eventually came into use for more decorative and erotic purposes by both women and men alike; they can be found in use during public events such as Burning Man and film shoots by actors and actresses to prevent inadvertent exposure of the genitalia. Perhaps Velvet Merlin's silky-smooth character is a reflection of the velvety feel of the merkin as is protects your private parts against the elements? Hell, I have no clue...

Anyways, I could understand changing the name to make it sound more appealing to the mass of beer consumers out there but I think "Merkin" is a much better name than "Merlin" for this ale. With that said however, this beer has an element of mysteriousness and boldness that one should not take lightly so "Merlin" is appropriate to an extent. This stout is dark and velvety with a decent head when poured correctly. It is exceptionally smooth, especially off the tap, and it has an element that is lost in many stouts (this no Guinness!!). It has slight elements of coffee, chocolate and vanilla and possesses a medium body and a low abv of 5.5% that makes for a really easy-to-drink beer (and good breakfast food if I may add, especially if you happen to be a poor, starving student as myself!). It is technically an oatmeal stout but is much more smooth and silky than most out there.

I could blabber on about how awesome this beer is, and you're probably bored if not drunk by now, or hopefully both, but truth be told it is you who need to make your own decision regarding this tasty beverage. I highly recommend picking up a 22oz bomber or 6-pack of it should you come across it! I'm not sure how long Velvet Merlin will be available. Firestone Walker's website states that it is a seasonal, released for the fall and winter months only. One thing to remember is that this beer is not pasteurized and thus can spoil so the sooner you find it, buy it and drink it! It is definitely one of the better beers I have had in a while!

Check out the brewery here for more information.
Also remember to check with your local or regional distributor to see if they can carry this or another particular beer (especially if you live in bumfuck-Egypt Humboldt County as I do).
Lastly, please drink responsibly!

Prost!