I Can't Live Without My Radio

HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK



We're back, motherfuckers. IllCon Radio, Episode 37. Our guest is Oxbow frontman and author Eugene Robinson, the twisted mind behind such staggering works of literary genius as Fight and A Long Slow Screw. Eugene will discuss the finer points of post-modern French Expressionist poetry with us, and then punch us in the face.

There's also this guy Aesop who keeps showing up to the studio and hanging out during taping, we've tried repeatedly to shoo him away but the dude keeps coming back like a fucking cockroach. Unless our attempts are successful this evening, he will appear on the show as well. Apologies in advance.

10 PM-MIDNIGHT. HERE. (415) 829-2980.

There is a bunch of other shit coming up too. Like THIS, for instance (if you live in or around Half Moon Bay, tomorrow is going to be some crazy stuff--DO NOT MISS IT). In related news, if you live anywhere in the Pacific Northwest, I am coming to visit you soon. I may or may not need your floor/alcohol/women/food/WiFi connection/emotional support. Stay tuned, ass clowns.

And remember:

When Self-Promotion Goes Wrong Part 1

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Apocryphon will also be playing in Santa Rosa Saturday, June 23rd. Details forthcoming. And let's not forget:

ILLCON RADIO RETURNS TO THE AIRWAVES AT 10PM TONIGHT RIGHT HERE. WE HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS. WE MIGHT HAVE A GUEST OR TWO. WE WILL EAT CHIPS AND AL WILL GET DRUNK. SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES PLEASE. ALSO CALL US AT 415-829-2980. THANK YOU.

THE METALOCALYPSE HAS BEGUN

Guess who's coming to dinner on Episode 34 of IllCon Radio tonight? You guessed it: Tommy Blacha (right), co-creator of everyone's favorite TV show Metalocalypse and voice of everyone's favorite quasi-retarded alcoholic bass player William Murderface.
That's right: Worlds are colliding, faces are melting, and everything you once thought you knew will be proven false. Please go to FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm to join in the fun, and feel free to drop us a line at 415-829-2980 to join in the quasi-retarded alcoholic fun. Don't forget to subscribe on iTunes as well.

Coming soon: Kubrick conspiracies blown wide open, Apocryphon tour dates, cryptozoological breakthroughs in space, and probably several more fan-art-related posts. Stay tuned.

Also, I'm on the new episode of Pool Party Radio. Check that out, too, and don't forget to subscribe to their podcast as well. They're OK dudes.
Since I don't have the time to supply you all with anything else worthwhile or thought-provoking at the moment, instead let's just take a moment to enjoy the trailer for Antfarm Dickhole:

NORMAL MAN

At first he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

But then he was all:

Sam McPheeters: The man. The myth. The legend.

Tonight on IllCon Radio right over HERE. 10 pm PST.

(415) 829-2980.

Go to his website.

Buy his book.

"I am a man with a glahr in my hand.
Oh and I am a bahr with a clark in my car.
So I feel the pump of the clag in my noshus,
And I feel so glotious when I fly my bonahr."

- Men's Recovery Project

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

OK, maybe not.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

BADR VOGU

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

MUKNAL

SUTEKH HEXEN

CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

APOCRYPHON

Be there.

Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

T-SHIRTS, TOURS, DOOM, ETC... (The IllCon Empire Never Sleeps)

ATTENTION HESSIAN MINIONS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION NEEDS YOUR HELP!

First off, you can "help out" ol' Uncle Cobras by tuning in to the Hand Ov Doom show on Emerson College radio tonight, where I'll be appearing to discuss conspiracy theories, metal, conspiracy theories in metal, and all things great and small pertaining to the IllCon Universe. The show streams live 5-7pm PST (that's 8-10 EST, dummies) right HERE, then goes up in podcast form (via Metal Injection.com) right HERE. While you're at it, why don't you "help out" Metal Injection too, by heading over to iTunes and subscribing to their entire podcast roster, which includes not only Hand Ov Doom but a veritable multitude of excellent metal-oriented broadcasts as well: Metal Injection podcasts on iTunes!

Secondly, we implore the more artistically-minded amongst our dear readers and listeners to help us out with yet another podcast/radio-related item--of course, I'm speaking of the IllCon Radio T-Shirt Design Contest!
This really cool bro from Rochester, NY's own HTB Press has put an offer on the table in regards to producing some IC Radio-themed garb, and we're fully stoked on making it happen. The only problem: WE SUCK AT DRAWING THINGS. Can you draw good? Are you a fan of the show? Would you be interested in seeing your very own alien-smoking-a-bong-on-the-back-of-a-unicorn design emblazoned on the front of an IllCon Radio shirt, and would you be psyched to receive said shirt, for FREE, in the mail? Well shit, dude. The address is illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. What the fuck are you waiting for? We'll accept sketches, written ideas, scribbles on bar napkins... Whatever. Let's do this.

Thirdly (and most important): Let's hook up some Apocryphon dates for this summer! If you're an Illogical Contraption reader, you're also undoubtedly an Apocryphon listener, so how 'bout you help out your favorite psychedelic deathgrind homies with a couple tips on booking West Coast dates? We've only got a couple small windows of opportunity to get out of town this June, and the specific dates we're looking to book are as follows:

- Thursday, June 7th: Eureka/Arcata, CA
- Friday, June 8th: Portland, OR
- Saturday, June 9th: Seattle, WA

- Friday, June 22nd: Los Angeles, CA
- Saturday, June 23rd: San Diego, CA

Do you live in any of these places? Where are all the metal-friendly venues and easy women? Who has the cheapest booze? WE WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU. Let's make it happen!
Again, illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com, or check us out (if you haven't already) on Bandcamp/Facebook/Last.FM. (Groovy DALTON news coming up in June as well, stay tuned...)

Speaking of epic tours:


This Friday...


Apocryphon is slated to devastate "The Dank Room" in Vallejo on 4/20, along with Short Fuse, Ill Content, Viral, and ZombieDeathFuck (Newtdick dropped off this one). Facebook "event page" HERE.

Then, Saturday:


Back up to the 'ol hometown (namely The Alibi in Arcata) for a night of cacophonous, sludgy, schizophrenic chaos with our best bros Hazzard's Cure. NOT TO BE MISSED.


Thanks again for your encouragement and support in all things IllCon. We'll be seeing you out on the road soon!

A MESSAGE TO POST-DORITO AMERICA

ATTENTION:

IllCon Radio goes LIVE on FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm PST this evening. We have an interview with ODERUS FUCKING URUNGUS. We have a special surprise co-host. We have fanny packs and articulated-toe shoes. We have interesting theories about the "Mars Monolith". We have a phone. Call us at (415) 829-2980. Subscribe to (and RATE!) us on iTunes. Shit is about to get real.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!


Obligatory:


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rescue the President's daughter... FROM SPACE PRISON!