Not with a Bang but a Bloop

IllCon East, cubicle #435 reporting for duty. Today we're going to talk about The Bloop. If you don't already know about The Bloop, hang in there, uncle these a beast will catch you up.

Way back in '97, NOAA caught this on tape:

The sound itself is pretty unspectacular until you stumble on its story (from Wikipedia):

The Bloop is the name given to an ultra-low frequency and extremely powerful underwater sound detected by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) in 1997. The source of the sound remains unknown.

The NOAA's Dr. Christopher Fox does not believe its origin is man-made, such as a submarine or bomb, or familiar geological events such as volcanoes or earthquakes. The source is a mystery both because it is different from known sounds and because it was several times louder than the loudest known recorded animal, the blue whale.

Curious indeed. Animal in origin, yet notably louder than the loudest creature known to man. Which means this sound came from an animal we have not identified yet.

NOAA says the sound came from about 50 degrees South, 100 degrees West. I suspect they only publish an estimation because they don't want anyone to panic. Because if they admitted that the sound came from exactly 47 degrees South, 123 degrees West, like HP Lovecraft had predicted years prior, then we would all realize that this sound clearly came from the vestibular folds of Cthuhlu's slimy maw.

Observe:
Point A - the exact location of R'lyeh
Point B - the approximate location of The Bloop

I leave it to you to decide what the truth is.



Also, here's the best Jack Kerouac / Cthuhlu mashup novel you'll ever read: Move Under Ground. I haven't finished reading it but it has already augmented my lexicon - Manhattan is now "turd island" and big-fish-in-a-little-pond is now "king flea." I'm up to the part where R'lyeh pops up out of the ocean and Kerouac asks a 4 inch tall Ginsberg where he can find Cassady.

Also, here's Ruin Lust. Do you want breakdowns? FUCK YOU. They are a relentless onslaught of NWIWSNGDM (New Wave of Incantation Worship Super Nice Guy Death Metal). Quality of vid sucks. Enjoy it anyway.



Download / Buy? / Metallum / Last.fm

Trou Noir - Echoes in Black Holes (2011)

When I finally got around to compiling my favorite records of 2011, I couldn't believe what I picked as my number 1. But it was undisputed. Didn't I eventually love every second of 777 Sects? Didn't my eyes fly out of my skull when I cranked Entity? Didn't Immolation's corporate-sponsored riff fest satisfy my secret guitar-squealing fantasies? I thought Ruin Lust blew my mind when I saw them play some ratty basement in the suburbs of New Jersey? WHAT ABOUT ASH BORER, MAN?

Nope, none of these beat out a record that exuded so much undeniable charm and misanthropic enthusiasm that I forgave almost unlistenable production. The volume on each track varies. There is zero bass. The vocals are crackly and indecipherable. The drums make no sense. It sounds so freaking kvlt! I thought I found that off-putting?

So why did Trou Noir's Echoes in Black Holes trump every other record 2011 had to offer?

Let's start with my personal highlight of the album:


Atmospheric, check. Peaceful, somehow. Menacing, a little. And cool riffage, bros.

But what gets me every time is the goddamn drummer. What the fuck is your deal, Worbid? Your timing is off and you sound like you've never listened to anyone, ever, in any genre, play any drum set. YOU ARE BREAKING ALL THE RULES, MAN! You can't just hit the crash cymbal and nothing else for 4 bars straight! You can't just fall on the double bass during a guitar interlude! You can't just hit those toms anytime you damn well feel like it! WHO SAID YOU COULD HIT THE TOM AND CRASH AT THE SAME TIME LIKE THAT? Where is the structure? Where are the familiar hand holds like blast beats and a STEADY BEAT ON THE HI HAT, is that too much to ask, Worbid?



And that's exactly why I find this record so charming. They inspire question after question. After countless listens I'm still interested. They are inadvertently breaking all the rules and they're doing it so compellingly and authentically that I have absolutely nothing but reverence for this 30 minute deluge of childlike exploration. Do I hear myself? This is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking about a black metal album this way. I should be ashamed of myself. I'm going to put Entity back on.

In the meantime, enjoy the most straightforwardly unusual black metal record of 2011. Crank it, but not too loud cuz the next track might just be 10 times louder than the last.

Download

Metallum / Last.fm

Worldwide Metal Per Capita

According to the US government there are 195 countries in the world. According to Encyclopaedia Metallum there are 135. What are the other 60 doing, if not producing metal bands? Probably still trying to figure out how to make fire, honestly.

Ask any everyday Hessian which region of the world produces the most metal and you're bound to hear Scandinavia. Well, data doesn't lie and I'm here to dig through the depths of it for your amusement and mine. I'm going to answer those burning questions like "What country produces the most metal per capita?", "Are those African cowboy metal dudes totally alone?", and "What is the best Jamaican black metal band?"

Let's start by looking at this from 10,000 feet up. Here are the top 10 countries in terms of cold, hard numbers:

Country	# of Metal Bands
US	17,006
Germany	8,083
Italy	4,690
Brazil	3,815
France	3,719
Sweden	3,368
UK	3,193
Finland	2,774
Poland	2,495
Canada	2,480

From this perspective it's pretty embarrassing for all you non-stateside Hessians out there. Is it because our GDP per capita is so great that we can afford more amps than everyone else? Absolutely not - Qatar's GDP per capita is more than twice ours and they boast only 1 metal band. Something cultural is clearly going on that I cannot quantify using data merely from Wikipedia and Encyclopaedia Metallum.

OK, so the US clearly dominates in terms of sheer number. We're kind of like the Microsoft of the metal world. Bloated and unsexy, yet present in most households. So let's look a little closer. Here's the top 10 in terms of metal parts per million* (MPPM):

Country	MPPM
Finland	514
Svalbard	417
Sweden	357
Liechtenstein	277
Norway	253
Iceland	216
Monaco	166
Faroe Islands	162
Gibraltar	135
Greece	124

(*MPPM is calculated using a series of super-proprietary methods you couldn't possibly understand, you'll just have to trust me. Actually it's just the country's population - thanks Wikipedia! I donated and you should too - divided by the number of bands listed on Encyclopaedia Metallum, times a million.)

Notice we don't even make the list? The US is actually #34 with 54 MPPM. Ouch. Canada, Croatia, and even fucking San Marino beat us out. Now we've got the little weiners and Scandinavia is laughing at them. Finland takes the cake with 514 metal bands per million inhabitants. Pretty fucking respectable.

I don't think that's much of a surprise, but... what the fuck is Svalbard doing at #2?

That's what's nice about this MPPM metric. The little guys have a chance to shine too. Svalbard is home to a whopping 2,394 permanent residents, and if you guessed it was in Scandinavia, you guessed right. There is 1 metal band in Svalbard, and their first drummer died of fucking hypothermia. Way to fucking represent, Goatskrieg.

Actually if any of you have ever considered collecting nickels or were able to stand listening to Alex Jones more than once, you probably already know about Svalbard. It is home to the Svalbard Global Seed Vault, famous for protecting 1.5 million seed species in the event of mismanagement of lesser seed vaults, equipment failures of seed vaults not trenched in permafrost, or a zombie takeover.


And Svalbard's official website boasts thusly about its nightlife:
"Restaurants and cafés offer meals based on local ingredients such as seal, whale, reindeer, grouse and arctic char. On rare occasions you may also find polar bear meat on the menu."

As such, despite being mostly veg, I'm having a fucking love affair with this permafrozen, seal-slaughtering, seed-storing expanse of land that's the Norwegian equivalent of Guam.


Anyway let's get back to it.

Scandinavia scores all the top spots, and man, that just feels right. They've pioneered extreme metal, created the most laughable music videos, made extreme metal mainstream, and continue to shell out excellent jamz. So, I congratulate you Scandinavia, you fucking deserve it.

Fuck, even Iceland touts a respectable 216 MPPM. Anybody have a favorite Icelandic metal band they'd like to share with the group?

Alright so the congratulatory awards have gone out - now who gets the raspberry awards? Let's take a look at the data.

Here are the countries tied for last place in terms of metal production (aside from those 60 who make absolutely nil). These bands have only one metal band to speak of:

Country	Only Metal Band
Svalbard	Goatskrieg
Greenland	Arctic Spirits
Barbados	Conrad
Belize	Bestial Lust
Suriname	Cross My Blessed Hands
Qatar	Asgard Legionnaires
Jamaica	Orisha Shakpana
Oman	Arabia
Laos	The Exile
Mozambique	Darkest Place
Kenya	Absence of Light
Congo	Infertile Surrogacy

This is encouraging for any bros who think they're alone in the world: no one is more alone than the bros in the bands listed above.

However the vocalist in Conrad gets around - not only is he in the first metal band in Barbados, he is also in the first metal band in Jamaica. Hats off to you, Lord Ifrit. You inspire us all.

Those listed above aren't necessarily the least-productive countries in terms of MDP (metal domestic product, obviously). We already saw that Svalbard is actually one of the top performers. So let's get down to it. Let's see who really deserves the raspberry awards.

Country	MPPM
Congo	0.01
Kenya	0.02
Myanmar	0.03
Mozambique	0.04
Uganda	0.06
India	0.09
China	0.12
Laos	0.15
Bangladesh	0.15
Egypt	0.16

Now we can clearly see that the most populous countries on our little blue rock are also among the least productive metal-wise. Shame on you, India. Shame on you, China. Though I for one am relieved that something I love is not made in China.

If I were a real statistician I would have a team of interns chasing down all this data for me, and then I would talk about biases like access to technology, and then I would run statistical models that would pinpoint the best predictors of MPPM. But I'm just a blogger and Shelby hasn't approved my request for interns yet, so I have all this pizza to myself and an almost empty glass of scotch, and the only real predictor of metal I can identify is proximity to the North Pole. And everybody knew that already anyway, so really this has just been an exercise in wasting everybody's time.

So go crank some fuckin' metal already. Try these dudes: hailing from Finland, the statistically-indisputable heartland of metal, here's the only melodic death metal band that really tickles me, Synestesia. Only Scandinavia can produce a voice so gloriously resounding and brutal as Eero Kuusisto's. MERRY CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLES!

Download / Purchase
Metallum / Last.fm