When drawing goes wrong pt2.

I am going to put it out there and say that it was pretty sweet seeing the level of response to the previous bad artwork post. Then the remedial prison, rehabilitation art ball rolled into the MS Paint album covers post, which we all agree was beyond awesome. To quote the head honcho, " we have the best goddamn motherfucking readers on the entire Internet, you guys rule."

On that slushy note, here is another selection of some of my favourite "bad art" album covers. Once again. Despite a complete lack of art skill and in some cases complete lack of human anatomy, I do hold a certain level of respect for these awesome images.

Pretty obvious what these guys think about all the time isn't it? I can wager it isn't being in a band.

God bless the Scorpions for consistently proving themselves to be guitar wielding numb skulls of the highest order. I have a slight bit of respect for the German chumps over the fact that when it comes to making some sort of statement, The Scorpions are always going to express it at a unbelievably low level of both class and awareness. With Animal Magnetism they surpassed themselves and wouldn't manage to beat it until 1996 when they hit us with this guy.....

See what I mean, deep stuff.

Future barbarian, biker, outlaw judge? Who knows but Battle Axe. They charged into the art the same way they approach they're sweet metal jams. With more enthusiasm than skill.

I really dig this one. Its just an awesome image. Plain and simple. Of course maybe the artist wasn't exactly up to the job but I am letting it slide.

It was mentioned last time so here it is. I never thought I would say this but Metal Magic really was a step up for these guys after Projects In The Jungle.

Karisma with a "K". Pretty sure that's a rabid walrus either escaping from some kind of imprisonment or just hanging out. Awesome.

Yes, that is a skull faced nudist raising a severed penis above its head atop a volcano. Thanks for noticing.

Everyones favourite NWOBHM never was's prove that you shouldn't fear evil. Fear death and badly drawn skulls instead.

Some evil, Christ baiting black metal? No? Oh sorry my mistake. You look like your having far to much fun at camp to be actual black metallers. She most certainly is having far to much fun streaking for Satan.

You shouldn't really expect too much when diving into the putrid trough of goregrind/pornogrind nonsense, its meant to be offensive. But this certainly plumbs some stinky depths.

Another one mentioned last time and its a cracker. Really what can you say about this? 

Once again, Any of you guys want to throw some more into the ring? We are open to suggestions for any you can think of to top these.

When drawing goes wrong pt1

You may have seen those worst album cover lists going round on all the other, slightly less cool websites? Well I have been collecting my own bad album artwork for some time now and would like to present my findings in the first of not so often series. Despite a lot of these being anatomically incorrect I believe there is a certain charm present.

Its pretty easy to poke fun at metal art like this. Lets move on.

Bitches Sin showing a complete lack of respect for art history.

What makes this one so bad is the look of puzzlement on the barbarian's face. Or maybe its the sudden realisation of the situation he's in. Or the terrible font choice.

I spent 5 years at art college. The first lesson they ever taught us was that smudging is no substitute for shading. Druid's artist buddy obviously never attended art college.

I always feel bad about ragging on Pantera ( which I often do) but then I think of this cover and the feeling passes.

More recently we have this monstrosity. You would think with the obvious money this band have available for artwork and design they would try and avoid the "Amiga 500 game artwork" vibe the artist seemed to be going for.

I love Vision Of Disorder. But this cover still blows to this day. I have tried to work out what the theme was or how it links with the music. Always drawn a blank.

I sort of like this one. I don't know if its the homeless, crackhead criminal with his tattered shirt or the young lady enjoying the sunset unawares that does it for me.

This album actually contains some pretty sweet, pump up, montage-esque, Miami Vice jams. Sadly I don't know anyone that would want Russ Ballard leaping at them in 3D or even in real life. You didn't even get 3D glasses with it.

I can just imagine the brief for this one "The devil emerging from his cave/lava pit and trying to grab a flying horse." Pretty specific and I am pretty sure that's what they got by the look of this. This is actually my desktop background now.

Obviously there is nothing slightly wimpy about this cover other than the ink started running out as they where finishing the nude dude's torso shading.

All that is missing are the obvious lines on the A4 paper it was drawn on.

I had this written of as some terrible 7th generation nu-metal band going of this cover. Sadly, during this research I found out its a German Avenged Sevenfold covers band. I would like to think they have some concept of why a Werewolf is dressed like one of The Blues Brothers and running along the highway in the rain. But I really doubt that.

What makes this bad is the fact its got the Waking The Cadaver font at the top. Otherwise this would be a pretty sweet image. But the sudden association with terrible gore/slam/death malarky means it is relegated to bad artwork corner

Every one's favourite industrial elf surely knew this was a stinker from the get go. I don't know if this has any relation the the film/TV series of the same name or why he has chosen to show himself floating with a glowing aura. Completely unrelated, I remember hearing a story about Mortiis trying to hail a cab outside his record companies office when this album was out. They wouldn't stop so he was forced to walk the streets in full costume.

TO BE CONTINUED......

Meco - Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk (1977)

We all know that there are plenty of things better than Star Wars and Illcon has made this public knowledge before. I mean, George Lucas has been shitting on his fans for quite some time now, what do you owe him? Nothing. Today's record is something that is also better than Star Wars.

The little dude above is a fella called Meco, Domenico Monardo to be exact. He was a pretty big name during the 1970's as a respected producer and trombonist. Playing on and producing records for Diana Ross, Neil Diamond, Gloria Gaynor and plenty of others. Things changed however, when in 1977 George Lucas released his cash vulture, Star Wars. Meco got pretty excited by this film. Even more excited by the stirring score courtesy of the always awesome John Williams. Meco hatched on the idea of creating a disco version. Of course, it was laughed at and not taken seriously. Who would believe that could work!

Meco believed and wouldn't let up. Luckily the score became a huge hit and the top brass relented, allowing him to see his idea through. Of course he would need a pretty sweet band to achieve this feat. The Sci-Fi Disco Band Meco was born.

Seriously

Despite looking like the outcome of letting Ming The Merciless assemble the Village People, the band managed to survive on the mean streets of New York for about 4 months performing live and providing a much needed visual element to this epic onslaught of disco. And it is an onslaught. The album contains the full 15 minute Star Wars suite encompassing the opening them, Imperial March, the cool flying music bits, all those schmaltzy parts and that stupid band in the bar. It also has robots dancing on the cover.

Meco - Star Wars and other Galactic Funk

Of course, a guy with the balls to disco a George Lucas cash cow must have a pretty sweet logo.

Meco proved the naysayers wrong. Those turkeys at MGM tried it themselves. look at the results...

Desekrator - Metal for Demons (1998)

If you have not heard of Desekrator, then you must! These guys rule! I mean, with an awesome band name like that they are guaranteed to rule, am I not correct?! Desekrator were formed as a side-project in Bergen, Norway in 1996. The group formed mainly for shits-and-giggles apparently, and consisted of none other than Ivar Bjornson and Grutle Kjellson of Enslaved fame, Infernus and Tormentor of Gorgoroth fame, and a few other local Bergen all-star bros. They released a demo and a single but only managed to put out one full length on Hammerheart Records.

So what do they sound like, you ask? I'm not really sure to be honest. This is no fancy metal, not by any means! Ha! I've heard gutter punks off Haight Street in SF produce better tunes than this... OK, well perhaps that is an overstatement. Honestly, they remind me of a black metal version of Cranium in a way, only with a more drunken and less focussed direction, sort of like that one band from that one city... What were they called again??

Hey, there are some similarities! Just sayin'...

Desekrator are listed as "thrash" but they're all over the place really. The closest I can describe them is a combination of Cranium and Gorgoroth, with elements similar to Plaag and Tankard perhaps... Actually, I have no way of describing Desekrator accurately. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I only listen to them when I'm drunk? Hmm...

Anyways, certain tracks are solid and well executed while others are intentionally chaotic if not sloppy (ironically akin to something I vaguely remember recording back when I was 15 years old). With song titles like "Texas Joe", "Take us to the Pub", and "Revenge of the Hellhammer" you can't expect anything more than pure ingenious decadence I suppose.

It's obvious that these guys were doing this for a few laughs. Nothing beyond the seriousness of their more established bands at least. In either case, this is an overlooked album with respect to the Norwegian scene.

It's nice to see some of black metal's elite take a break from their kvlt status and have a little fun. I'm not sure if they had intentions to continue this gig or if this was a one-off thing but if you dig your metal on the less serious-side of things, you're sure to dig this!

The best way to listen to this album is when you find yourself completely hammed and want to piss off your neighbor or roommate. If there was a soundtrack to hell this may very well be it, particularly when your roommate is hammed and cranking it at 2am (try falling asleep to it, it just doesn't work).
Point is, this is a great album to throw on to piss off your lady friend and impress your bros with.

This is metal for drunkards. This is metal for bros.

This is metal for demons.

Buy here and here.

Metallum / Last.FM

Warning - Watching From A Distance (2006)

The new year is traditionally a time for optimism for the year to come, a time for starting anew. Fuck that shit.

Here is some slow, ultra depressing cult doom from England's Warning. Anchored by Solstice and Sore Throat's Rich Walker's cousin Patrick Walker, who plays guitar and sings. They did a couple of demos in the 90s and a full-length in 1999, The Strength to Dream. It's Ok but your better off spending time listening to Watching From a Distance again. They put out Watching From a Distance on Rich's Miskatonic Foundation in 2006. It is their finest hour, and also their swan song.

Tempo change is a foreign concept to these guys. Never getting above a slow crawl, this album could be monotonous if it weren't so good. They have a penchant for Revelation-style arpeggiated chords in addition to the standard doom power chord riffs. Bass: non-existant. Drumming: slow and slower.

Did I mention these guys are sad. They are, or at least Patrick Walker is. He weaves with his Ozzyish voice tales of love lost, regret and plain old loss. And the music reflects it. This album is one blob of negative emotions, real Ghostbusters 2 shit. These guys make Crowbar seem like Blink-182 or some pussy shit like that. Real touchy feely, but still killer, and one of the best post-millenial doom performances.

Warning split in 2009, but it's OK, cuz Walker started 40 Watt Sun, and they sound just like Warning. Except that the drumming on The Inside Room was a little too fast at times. Maybe Christian "Commando" Leitch will slow it the fuck down for the next album. This is doom metal for fucks sake.

 Side note: isn't it strange how many doom dudes were in death metal/grind bands before going doom? Must be growing up, cuz it sure aint selling out. Ex: Patrick Walker, Rich Walker, Lee Dorrian, Jus Oborn, Fernando Opazo of Marchefunebre, My Dying Bride, etc.

Blistering Anal Skin

DALE SCHACKER - SABER RIDER AND THE STAR SHERIFFS OST (1987)

Does the name Dale Schacker mean anything to you? Have you ever heard of such forgotten in time, animation cell wasting fodder as Denver The Last Dinosaur? Twinkle The Dream Being? How about Mr Bogus? If you answered "who the fuck cares" to any of those questions then fair play..
Dale Schacker was a musician and composer for the above mentioned cartoons as well as for the early 80's US version of Voltron. High on the success of Voltron : Defender Of The Universe, the studio, World Events Productions, bought up a Japanese anime titled Star Musketeer Bismarck. After altering key plot points, adding scenes, modifying content and basically dicking around with the format they released it onto TV screens as Saber Rider And The Star Sheriffs in 1987.
Now, I will admit I had no clue whatsoever about this cartoon prior to becoming acquainted with the soundtrack about 3 years ago. In all honesty the actual series is pretty standard when compared to other 80's, space cowboy classics such as Bravestarr and Galaxy Rangers. What makes it, is the awesome soundtrack by Mr Dale Schacker. Awesome because he was granted full creative control to compose an entire score that would give the series its own identity and awesome for sounding like Bal-Sagoth playing Stan Bush songs while home invading Nickelodeon.
Schacker packs the soundtrack with a ton of shredding, uber-processed 80's guitar, dramatic build ups, Morricone-esque motifs featuring harmonica and whip cracks, a slight touch of synthpop melody and various pieces of music that sound like those bits in The A-Team when they are building a tank out of a toaster and a lawn mower. Basically, its a pretty sweet compilation of tons of things most Illcon followers approve of. Need music to soundtrack those crappy chores? Here you go. Need music to soundtrack ignoring your girlfriend? Here you go. Need music to get ripped to? here you go. Saber Rider covers all your needs.

Get it here.

Need further convincing? Then wrap your ears around the awesome....

If your not sold yet then there really is something wrong with you, so included as bonus tracks are the French and Japanese theme tunes, a whole host of metal and rock versions of the main theme, a couple of remixes and a pretty boring interview with Schacker that they could have done without really. 

P.S. The Saber Rider team had a huge robot cowboy thing titled Ramrod ( Bismarck in the original anime). As a kid, I had a catalogue for the inferior-to-Transformers GoBots which I am pretty sure featured a robot called Bismarck that was identical to the Saber Rider version. Can anyone shed any light on the Gobot connection?