When drawing goes wrong pt1

You may have seen those worst album cover lists going round on all the other, slightly less cool websites? Well I have been collecting my own bad album artwork for some time now and would like to present my findings in the first of not so often series. Despite a lot of these being anatomically incorrect I believe there is a certain charm present.

Its pretty easy to poke fun at metal art like this. Lets move on.

Bitches Sin showing a complete lack of respect for art history.

What makes this one so bad is the look of puzzlement on the barbarian's face. Or maybe its the sudden realisation of the situation he's in. Or the terrible font choice.

I spent 5 years at art college. The first lesson they ever taught us was that smudging is no substitute for shading. Druid's artist buddy obviously never attended art college.

I always feel bad about ragging on Pantera ( which I often do) but then I think of this cover and the feeling passes.

More recently we have this monstrosity. You would think with the obvious money this band have available for artwork and design they would try and avoid the "Amiga 500 game artwork" vibe the artist seemed to be going for.

I love Vision Of Disorder. But this cover still blows to this day. I have tried to work out what the theme was or how it links with the music. Always drawn a blank.

I sort of like this one. I don't know if its the homeless, crackhead criminal with his tattered shirt or the young lady enjoying the sunset unawares that does it for me.

This album actually contains some pretty sweet, pump up, montage-esque, Miami Vice jams. Sadly I don't know anyone that would want Russ Ballard leaping at them in 3D or even in real life. You didn't even get 3D glasses with it.

I can just imagine the brief for this one "The devil emerging from his cave/lava pit and trying to grab a flying horse." Pretty specific and I am pretty sure that's what they got by the look of this. This is actually my desktop background now.

Obviously there is nothing slightly wimpy about this cover other than the ink started running out as they where finishing the nude dude's torso shading.

All that is missing are the obvious lines on the A4 paper it was drawn on.

I had this written of as some terrible 7th generation nu-metal band going of this cover. Sadly, during this research I found out its a German Avenged Sevenfold covers band. I would like to think they have some concept of why a Werewolf is dressed like one of The Blues Brothers and running along the highway in the rain. But I really doubt that.

What makes this bad is the fact its got the Waking The Cadaver font at the top. Otherwise this would be a pretty sweet image. But the sudden association with terrible gore/slam/death malarky means it is relegated to bad artwork corner

Every one's favourite industrial elf surely knew this was a stinker from the get go. I don't know if this has any relation the the film/TV series of the same name or why he has chosen to show himself floating with a glowing aura. Completely unrelated, I remember hearing a story about Mortiis trying to hail a cab outside his record companies office when this album was out. They wouldn't stop so he was forced to walk the streets in full costume.

TO BE CONTINUED......

No Visible Scars

As my esteemed colleague, Judge Shredd, mentioned below, We are in the end times. You only have to look at the economic and environmental situations across the globe, the rampant crime and disease rates, mankind has run its course. Mother Nature isn't too happy anymore and Megaupload is gone. We are facing extinction.
During these bleak times you need bleak music to soundtrack those last few heartbeats and breaths escaping you as the world slows down.
No Visible Scars managed to gain my attention with the 1970's/80's Giallo/Exploitation/Porn inspired artwork and imagery, they're love of the timeless C-90 tape,  and the fact quite a few of the digital releases are free. Most Illcon followers should be able to relate to one of those. I decided to give a heads up on a few of the releases worth investigating.

Elders Of The Apocalypse - The Law Of Iron (2011)

Get it

Nasty and ragged, thrashy death metal by guys with nasty names such as Plague Bearer and Sadistik Slayer. I guess the term "war metal" suits this best. I can hear elements of Kreator and Sodom in there alongside some  Bestial Warlust black noise and a slew of suitably apocalyptic samples. Awesome cover art included.

Nightbitch - Sex And Magic promo (2010)

Get it

This is the one I have been digging the most. Comprising the smooth pipes of that dude from Hour Of 13 with some total NWOBHM riffing crossed with proto-Doom jams. THIS SHIT ROCKS. This was a 3-track promo for the EP of the same name. They don't seem to have much else available but they have connections to a whole host of other bands according to Encyclopedia Metallum.

Poison Tongue - Lick You Sweety (2010)

Get it

That cover seem pretty attractive doesn't it? Bit more left field this time. Poison Tongue is Giallo/Exploitation inspired noisescapes. Its not full on harsh noise ( though it gets plenty harsh in places) but more ambient and unsettling due to the schizophrenic changes in volume and pacing. Kind of like those quiet bits in between Goblin freak outs crossed with Beherit's noise tendencies.

There you go gang. They have the usual places online here and here. I'm digging this label a lot recently. You should to.

Karma To Burn - Almost Heathen

Words cannot begin to describe how much I uphold this album! It simply rocks! I recently found it on vinyl at a record store here in my hometown. I remember getting a copy of this album when I did my stint as a DJ at KHSU-FM and while it wasn't technically "metal", I could not stop listening to it! There's crushing, doomy riffage abound, no vokills, a classic rock vibe, and a steady and even paced drive to this recording that blends itself well with the band's overall approach. And for going against the norm even further, they have numbers in the place of song titles! What more could one ask for? Unfortunately, and probably due to the promo coming in a "slip-disc" case (i.e. cardboard sleeve, no jewel case), my CD version is scratched to shit thus I was stoked when I happened across it in vinyl form. I almost figured they were no longer together so I was surprised the band was listed as still 'active' on Metal-Archives and even more surprised that they released a new album titled, V in 2011.

Hailing from West Virginia, Karma To Burn show both their southern roots and their influences on Almost Heathen. They are an obscure band. Roadrunner initially picked them up, and they were forced to record their debut with a vocalist at the demand of the the record company. Almost Heathen was put out by Spitfire Records and this gave the band a bit more freedom to do what they wanted. They have since left Roadrunner and moved to greener pastures at Napalm Records. They are completely instrumental and it's a breath of fresh air to listen to something without vocals (I'm a vocalist, so bear with me here). This album rocks on so many levels! This is what "stoner metal" is all about! (In my opinion at least).

Fans of Corrosion Of Conformity, Down, High On Fire, Dragged By Horses, Machete, Pentagram, and the like will undoubtedly like this album.

So without further ado, I am simply going to allow you the chance to check it out for yourself. I'll even give you a download link (how's that for being nice?!) just don't be a a complete hippie and simply download it... Buy it man, dude! (Wait, I'm asking the IllCon readership to do what again? Ha! I must be high...)

Buy here

Download here

Metallum/Last.FM

Website/Myspace

Velvet Merlin, Merkins, and Such.

Seeing as my last post related to beer was a hit, I'd figure I'd post another one. I recently found a new beer that I think is worthy of your attention so sit back, pop open a cold one, and enjoy (or something to that extent).

Recently, I went down to an old watering hole of mine here in town appropriately called Humboldt Brews (or otherwise known as Humbrews by the locals here). Humboldt Brews was once the fabled and renowned Humboldt Brewing Company, Arcata's one and only brewery during the 90's and early 2000's (Note: Arcata has a new brewery, Redwood Curtain Brewing Co., that opened two years ago but I'll expand on this another time). Humboldt Brewing Company were famous for their Nectar Ales and Hemp Ale but the brewing rights were bought by Firestone Walker Brewing Co. in 2000 and the brewing process was relocated to Paso Robles. Humboldt Brewery ceased operations entirely in 2003 much to the dismay of the town's residents. Despite the change, the Nectar Ales line have continued under the auspices of Firestone Walker.

The main bar and pub that once housed Humboldt Brewery reopened in 2004 under the new moniker Humboldt Brews complete with a remodel, new menu, expanded beer selection, and an employee-owned staff. The place is currently owned and run by two of the original employees who remodeled and opened the former "brewing room" adjacent to the building that houses the pub as a main music and events hall complete with a full stage. At the time they reopened they boasted the largest selection of beer on tap in the Arcata/Eureka area (20 beers) and have tried to keep a relative good selection on hand. The place is still a draw for both locals and tourists alike but the atmosphere has changed significantly from the days when one could smell fresh malt permeating the streets of downtown Arcata and one could walk into the pub with a serious case of the DTs and no one gave a damn. The new incarnation of the brew-pup is friendly enough though, with good waiters and waitresses, large portions of food, and a relatively constant rotation of beer on tap as well as live music almost nightly. However I usually find myself making the one-mile hike down to Redwood Curtain Brewing Co. on the premise that the beer there is brewed on site and the walk down allows for some exercise. Plus, it helps to know those who work there ;)

So I found myself at Humbrews the other evening with my roommate and knowing that I wasn't really into an "IPA mood" I was curious if they still had a particular stout on tap that I remembered trying a month prior that was pretty impressive.

Velvet Merlin, formerly known as Velvet Merkin prior to bottling, is an oatmeal stout that is brewed by Firestone Walker and while I'm not the biggest fan of Firestone Walker, this ale is outstanding!

The original name "Merkin" is in reference to a public wig that were originally worn by prostitutes after having shaved their genitalia. Why the beer was given this moniker is a mystery but the origin of the pubic wig dates back to the 1400s when women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin in an attempt to combat lice and cover up signs of disease. Merkins eventually came into use for more decorative and erotic purposes by both women and men alike; they can be found in use during public events such as Burning Man and film shoots by actors and actresses to prevent inadvertent exposure of the genitalia. Perhaps Velvet Merlin's silky-smooth character is a reflection of the velvety feel of the merkin as is protects your private parts against the elements? Hell, I have no clue...

Anyways, I could understand changing the name to make it sound more appealing to the mass of beer consumers out there but I think "Merkin" is a much better name than "Merlin" for this ale. With that said however, this beer has an element of mysteriousness and boldness that one should not take lightly so "Merlin" is appropriate to an extent. This stout is dark and velvety with a decent head when poured correctly. It is exceptionally smooth, especially off the tap, and it has an element that is lost in many stouts (this no Guinness!!). It has slight elements of coffee, chocolate and vanilla and possesses a medium body and a low abv of 5.5% that makes for a really easy-to-drink beer (and good breakfast food if I may add, especially if you happen to be a poor, starving student as myself!). It is technically an oatmeal stout but is much more smooth and silky than most out there.

I could blabber on about how awesome this beer is, and you're probably bored if not drunk by now, or hopefully both, but truth be told it is you who need to make your own decision regarding this tasty beverage. I highly recommend picking up a 22oz bomber or 6-pack of it should you come across it! I'm not sure how long Velvet Merlin will be available. Firestone Walker's website states that it is a seasonal, released for the fall and winter months only. One thing to remember is that this beer is not pasteurized and thus can spoil so the sooner you find it, buy it and drink it! It is definitely one of the better beers I have had in a while!

Check out the brewery here for more information.
Also remember to check with your local or regional distributor to see if they can carry this or another particular beer (especially if you live in bumfuck-Egypt Humboldt County as I do).
Lastly, please drink responsibly!

Prost!

You gotta be f***ing KIDDING me!

I believe this speaks for itself.