ALL HAIL THE ANDROMEDA COUNCIL

May the Gods bless our protectors over at The Andromeda Council. These guys work day in and day out to protect us from the combined Draco-Reptilian/Orion-Grey 4th Dimensional forces that are constantly seeking to infiltrate our government and consciousness, and news has just surfaced that they've struck what is possibly the greatest blow in known history to the alien forces just last month, as reported over at Exopolitics.

To quote the official story: In an exclusive ExopoliticsTV interview by Alfred Lambremont Webre with a human representative-contactee of the extraterrestrial governance council known as the Andromeda Council it has been revealed that the war of liberation against a 4th dimensional Orion grey and Draco reptilian alliance has been won by the forces of the Andromeda Council as of the 3rd quarter of 2011. The attempted the occupation of Earth, our moon and Mars by this grey-Reptilian alliance is over. The defeated grey-reptilian forces have been sent via stargate into the far reaches of our universe.
The Andromeda Council representative states in his ExopoliticsTV interview that the forces of the 4th dimensional Orion grey and Draco reptilian forces that remain on Earth consist of small pockets of isolated forces around such as Washington, DC.



According to the Andromeda Council representative, the defeat of the Orion grey and Reptilian occupation force on Earth, moon and Mars has the effect of leaving the Illuminati and Annunaki power structure on Earth, moon and Mars without any effective 4th dimensional back-up. Any attempt by the remaining grey and reptilian forces to assist Illuminati “false flag ET invasion” will be defeated, and any false flag ET invasion will fail.

The entire interview can be seen HERE!



Praise Odin!

As you've probably noticed, all the seismic activity and intergalactic intrigue reported above happened back in August of last year. But it is my distinct honor to announce that The Andromeda Council won another major battle the day after Valentine's Day this year, and it looks as if the very last of the Draco-Reptilian/Orion-Grey agents have been banished, once and for all, back to the 4th Dimension!
Rejoice!

The video shown below should sum it all up nicely:



Speaking of reptilian overlords:


Pool Party Radio Episode 48: Reptilian Overlords, featuring none other than yours truly, Dr. Shelby "Razorblades" Cobras, is now available for your perusal. Get it off the PP blog in raw mp3 form (link above), or just find Pool Party right here on the 'ol iTunes. Subscribe to them forthwith, because they are great dudes with large penises. Subject matter covered by Parker, Frisbie, and myself includes high candy prices at the movie theater, sea lions staging Occupy protests in the streets of SF, Adele's cannibalism, JuggaloBook, and Julian Sands (again). Not to mention, you know, the reptilians and what have you...

SPEAKING of podcasts and large penises, IllCon Radio (Episode 26!) goes live once again this evening from 10pm-midnight over at FCCFreeRadio.com, where we will be joined by THIS esteemed co-host:

Call in at (415)829-2980 and provide us with sex advice!

Speaking of which, our esteemed co-host was interviewed over at our best Bro JGD's spot The Living Doorway earlier today, so go check that out. Speaking of which, JGD will be calling into the show as well. Incestuous enough for you yet? I feel sorry for the poor sap that'll have to mop up the jizz in Studio 1A after this particular stroke-fest!

Speaking of IC Radio and rampant incest, we have some really amazing guests, interviews, events, and random wackiness approaching in the near future. Nothing I'm authorized to "officially" speak about yet, though. So stay tuned...

Until then, enjoy this awesome video of everyone's favorite Hessian Ryan Adams playing a heartfelt cover of "Wasted Years":

THE IRON BUTTERFLY CONSPIRACY

Iron Butterfly, mid 70's. Philip Taylor Kramer pictured at far left.

I doubt that anyone with any sort of passing knowledge of music history doesn't know who Iron Butterfly is ("In-A-Gadda-Da-Vidda"?), so I'll hop right into the meat of this story without too much preamble. Let it simply be known that despite the fact that they produced only one hit song, Butterfly has existed in one form or another, on and off, for over 45 years now, experiencing probably double-to-triple as many lineup changes as IllCon stand-bys like Incantation or Napalm Death, all the while completely avoiding record industry trappings like "record sales" or "critical acclaim". They peaked in 1969, my friends, no secret there, but have managed to cling to life, like a horde of burnout zombies, ever since.
Today's story is only tangentially related to the band itself, insofar as it revolves around a dude (Philip Taylor Kramer, pictured above right with the sick pink Warlock) who played bass, sang, and played keyboards for the band for only 3 years (1974-'77), appearing on only two critically-panned albums (Scorching Beauty and Sun And Steel, both released in 1975). Taylor's story is a zany and mysterious one, and one that I was completely unfamiliar with until last week's episode of IllCon Radio (thanks to caller "Floyd from Arkansas" for the tip).

Philip Taylor Kramer's life story is speckled with high weirdness and scientific anomaly, to the point that his stint in Iron Butterfly remains a mere footnote. After his departure from the group, he acquired a degree in aerospace engineering via night school, which he applied to numerous technological adventures in the following two decades. Kramer's abrupt "disappearance" (death? suicide? transdimensional ascension?) in 1995 remains a mystery to this day, surrounded by rumor, conspiracy, and nefarious connotation.

Band photo from another early Kramer project, Gold. Phil is again pictured at far left.

Right: Photo of a skull identified as belonging to Philip Taylor Kramer, discovered in Decker Canyon (near Malibu, CA) in 1999.

After obtaining the aforementioned degree, Phil moved on to several odd pursuits, among them helping the US Defense Department develop a guidance system for their infamous MX Missile series in the 1980's (NOT the Brazilian thrash metal band). He rode the Silicon Wave of the late 80's and early 90's in Southern California, proving himself a pioneer in the fields of both facial recognition systems (see also: BIOMETRICS) and fractal compression (I still don't 100% understand how fractal compression works, but you can start HERE and work your way out).

Eventually (and strangely), he went into business with Randy Jackson (left)--NOT the American Idol judge/former Journey bassist, but brother of our old pal Michael. They formed a company called Total Multimedia, Inc., wherein Phil served as an executive from 1990 until his cessation-to-be in 1995. The company specialized in compression techniques for CD-ROMs (special focus on the previously-mentioned "fractal" offshoot), and their greatest claim to fame was that they "developed the first video compression capable of producing full motion video from a single speed CD-ROM" in 1992.
But Phil had other interests outside of business and CD-ROM compression. He had a burning desire to discredit the theories of one man, an evil tyrant whose ideas haunted Kramer to the bitter end:



Einstein: WHAT A DICK.
Seriously. Let's skip all the biometrics/facial recognition creepiness for a second and get down to the proverbial "brass tacks". Ever heard of a little theory called "special relativity"? I bet you have.

Wikipedia: "(Special relativity) generalizes Galileo's principle of relativity—that all uniform motion is relative, and that there is no absolute and well-defined state of rest (no privileged reference frames)—from mechanics to all the laws of physics, including both the laws of mechanics and of electrodynamics, whatever they may be. Special relativity incorporates the principle that the speed of light is the same for all inertial observers regardless of the state of motion of the source.
This theory has a wide range of consequences which have been experimentally verified, including counter-intuitive ones such as length contraction, time dilation and relativity of simultaneity, contradicting the classical notion that the duration of the time interval between two events is equal for all observers. (On the other hand, it introduces the space-time interval, which is invariant.) Combined with other laws of physics, the two postulates of special relativity predict the equivalence of mass and energy, as expressed in the mass–energy equivalence formula E = mc2, where c is the speed of light in a vacuum. The predictions of special relativity agree well with Newtonian mechanics in their common realm of applicability, specifically in experiments in which all velocities are small compared with the speed of light. Special relativity reveals that c is not just the velocity of a certain phenomenon—namely the propagation of electromagnetic radiation (light)—but rather a fundamental feature of the way space and time are unified as spacetime. One of the consequences of the theory is that it is impossible for any particle that has rest mass to be accelerated to the speed of light."

Would YOU trust this guy?

HELL NO. Philip Taylor Kramer, missile-maker, fractal compressor, digital-face-recognizer, and stony-hippie-bass-noodler, wasn't having any of this shit. His life goal was to disprove the theory of special relativity, to develop a "warp drive" via quantum mechanics that would not only negate Einstein's "you can't go faster than the speed of light" bullshit, but also open up the gates of the cosmos. After all, wouldn't the cancellation of "E=mc2" indicate such a possibility? Kramer believed so, but his highly-coveted personal research never had a chance to fall upon the unsuspecting public.

(Anyone else keeping up with CERN's baffling "beyond the speed of light" results over there at the LHC recently? Anyone? No?)

Kramer began getting paranoid about his studies, thinking that perhaps his ambitions about space/time travel might be ruffling some feathers with his previous employers (i.e. The Man). Shit started getting weird. I'll let Wikipedia tell you the rest:

On February 12, 1995 he drove to Los Angeles International Airport to pick up an investor. He spent forty-five minutes at the airport but failed to meet the investor. Kramer did make a flurry of cell phone calls, including one to the police during which Kramer said, "I’m going to kill myself. And I want everyone to know O.J. Simpson is innocent. They did it."
He was never heard from again. This led to a massive search, many news reports, and talk show segments including an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, America's Most Wanted, The Unexplained ("Strange Disappearances," first aired 5/7/2000), and Unsolved Mysteries some years later. An article in Skeptic reported numerous conspiracy theories about his death.
On May 29, 1999, Kramer's Ford Aerostar minivan and skeletal remains were found by photographers looking for old car wrecks to shoot at the bottom of Decker Canyon near Malibu, California. Based on forensic evidence and Kramer's emergency call to the police, authorities ruled his death as a probable suicide committed on the day on which he was last heard.

Cool. Seems pretty tidy. No loose ends to tie up here, folks.

Seriously, if you've SEEN The Naked Gun, you know this guy's innocent.

According to Kramer's family, he had never displayed any sort of self-destructive/suicidal qualities and was, despite his well-founded paranoias, a pretty content and easy-going guy. After all, he was a millionaire.

According to evidence gathered at the scene, he died with 40 cents in his pocket.

Nothing to see here.

Here's the previously-mentioned Unsolved Mysteries segment in its entirety. Warning: the audio is utter shit (turn it up).



More on the Iron Butterfly Conspiracy via Above Top Secret.

STORM - NORDAVIND (1995)

Back in the early days of IllCon, I tried not to "cross streams" too much with Aesop over at Cosmic Hearse--that is, I figure anyone who reads this blog is already reading that blog, so why bother re-hashing shit that he's already covered in the greatest of detail? But hey: that was then, this is now. I don't really give much of a fuck about that kind of stuff anymore, and if there's any one album that deserves its moment in the sun here on our hallowed pages (Hearse or no), it's Storm's 1995 folk masterpiece Nordavind.

Thus spake Aesop: If you end up playing this for your non-metal-loving friend, prepare to hear one of them make a crack about the old Swedish Chef character from The Muppet Show. This would be as good a time as any to cleave them with your well-worn battle axe, and let their inferior blood stain the snow of your fatherland. Your friends are assholes, and aren't fit to be galley slaves in Storm's dragon-prowed longboat of old. If you can't enjoy Nordavind you are already dead, and Valhalla is lost to you.

Well, Valhalla is somewhat lost to you, because Uncle Aesop's link got eradicated in The Great Megaupload Cleanse of 2012. But fear not, for Cobras is rectifying his shameful negligence with a brand-new re-up today!
Storm was the ultra-short-lived project of our old pals Fenriz (left) from some band, and Satyr (below right) from some other band, who decided to get together with this chick Kari from 3rd And The Mortal to play electrified versions of Norse nationalist hymns, heavy on the simple, distorted riffs, war drums, yodeling, unbridled manfulness, and sick grooves.

Nordavind became something of a controversial album years later in Norway, when vocalist Kari decided to pursue a career in the pop-music world. You see, the "mainstream" Norse media found fault in the pagan/nationalist/anti-Christian messages she had seemingly taken part in with Satyr and Fenriz during the production of the album, and to this day she carries to lingering taint of heathen forest trolls and malevolent ice-giants.
I don't know. Look at the pictures of Satyr and Fenriz. Look at the picture of Kari. Look back at Fenriz and Satyr, then read the following paragraph.

From Encyclopaedia Metallum: After Nordavind was released, Kari Rueslåtten (left) stated in the Norwegian music newspaper Puls that when she agreed to join the project, she made sure that there would be no extreme lyrics in the songs, but then she felt betrayed by Satyr and Fenriz, because the latter one wrote a new end to the song 'Oppi Fjellet': "...en grusom død til hver en mann/som ikke hyller vårt faderland..." (...a horrifying death to every man/who doesn't hail our fatherland...) and "...om du noengang lukter kristenmannsblod/oppi fjellet, oppi fjellet/ja hent øksa og hugg dem ned/oppi fjellet, oppi fjellet" (..if you ever smell the Christian man's blood/up in the mountains, up in the mountains/then get your axe and chop them down/up in the mountains, up in the mountains). According to Kari "I reacted very strongly when I heard that they had changed the lyric, but I wasn't strong enough to say no. Now I want that people shall forget this. I feel totally crushed, and I feel that I have lost everything but people must accept that I have made a mistake. And they have to see me as the person I am, as the artist I am. I don't want to be punished more than I already have been punished through this".

Good luck with all that, Kari.

The Viking murder anthem in question (my JAM):



Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

DICK HEAD

I doubt a whole Hell of a lot of you were reading IllCon all the way back in May 2009, but for those of you that were, I have good news. I am happy to present (partial) closure to an open-ended case I alluded to back then, a fascinating, confusing, and maddening mystery I first explored in a post titled 'IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW DICK, Or: The Android Was Never Located'. The post, which was meant more as a tribute to one of my favorite science-fiction writers (Mr. Philip K. Dick) than any sort of whodunnit, contained a nugget of weirdness that was left hanging in negative space until just now, in a sort of full-circle "happy ending" taylor-made for Hollywood. But I'm getting a"head" of myself. Let's get the noobs caught up:
The most interesting part of the entire post, in retrospect, was a quick aside I made about halfway through, which read thusly: "Side note: As a promotional gimmick for the 2007 film adaptation of A Scanner Darkly, a robotic doppelganger of Dick (above) was constructed to participate in a panel discussion at the 2006 ComicCon in San Diego. Reportedly, the android was "lost in transit" by America West Airlines personnel. It has yet to be located."

The Robot Dick, created by Hanson Robotics (they've also created a Robo-Einstein), is truly a marvel, and can be seen in two stages of development in the video below:

PKD Robot at NextFest Chicago (2005):



So let's get the skinny on exactly how PKDBot got "lost". Wired and BoingBoing both reported on the mysterious happenings, but here is a chunk I found on the always-reliable And I Am Not Lying, For Real:

PKD was a tremendous hit at Wired's NextFest, 2005. Several months afterward, David Hanson and his astonishing creation were on a flight from Dallas to San Francisco. PKD's body was travelling separately, but his "brain" and head were part of Hanson's carry-on luggage. Hanson had not slept for several days, and immediately passed out upon buckling his seatbelt. Hanson was shaken awake by his plane's crew in Las Vegas for an unexpected plane change.

Next up, from the New York Times:

He had been traveling for weeks, pulling all-nighters in a race between his work as a roboticist (he also made a much-discussed robotic head of Einstein); as the founder of a fledgling company, Hanson Robotics; and his doctoral work. But unlike his creation, Mr. Hanson is, apparently, distressingly human.

"They woke me up, I got my laptop from under my seat, and being dazed, I just forgot that I had the robot in there," said Mr. Hanson, referring to the head in a black, American Tourister roller bag, left in the overhead compartment."

He rushed off in a sleep-smeared stupor, only remembering that he left the head behind sometime after his second liftoff. The airline claimed that they shipped the head back to him, but a package never arrived.
Philip K Dick's android head is missing, possibly stolen.



Bummer! Can you even imagine the frustration of "accidentally misplacing" a labor of love like the Dick Head?! Hanson obviously blew that one, but here's where that "Hollywood ending" I spoke of earlier comes in. Apparently, the Dutch company VPRO put up the dough for Hanson Robotics to build a leaner, meaner, smarter DickBot in 2010, and the new machine has already surpassed its predecessor in all manner of sophistication and logic. Work continues on the "new" PKD Robot, and judging by the new color in his beard (see below), he is more vibrant and alive than ever. (More about the Android Project HERE)
But still, the question remains: what the fuck really happened to the "original" android? The mind shudders at the possibilities...




(Pay close attention to the very end, when PKD assures his interviewer that "he'll keep him very safe in (his) people zoo".)


Pro tip: A much more entertaining version of the Recovered Head Story can be found HERE via Fiction Circus ("The missing head of the Philip K. Dick android has finally been discovered in St. Petersburg, confiscated in an Interpol sting against the Russian software piracy syndicate Little Bear."). I actually thought this story was real until just recently (you would have thought the site name--"FICTION CIRCUS"--might have tipped me off). Durr.

HOLY SHIT.
True story, guys: when I started writing this thing today, I had no idea that 3/2/2012 is the 30-year anniversary of Philip K. Dick's death. Damn. Talk about some next-level lattice-of-coincidence-type synchronicity! Thanks to purplerainingblood for the accidental "head"s-up.

Speaking of Dick Heads:

Who's ready for Episode 25 of Illogical Contraption Radio?!
We'll be on the air--same bat time, same bat channel--tonight, fielding your drunken telephone calls (415-829-2980) and talking with public access television host Adam Papagan of Del Talk Show. Adam is a close friend and collaborator of previous guest David Liebe Hart, and has many a story to tell about the strange underbelly of post-9/11 Los Angeles. Join us, won't you?

KARMA IS A MOTHERFUCKER

Let's see... How do I go about breaking another long silence here on the hallowed pages of Illogical Contraption? An in-depth post on recent actions in the imminent Reptilian-Grey Alliance invasion and the Andromeda Council's efforts to stop it? Nah. A lengthy expose on the forgotten heroes of the Swedish death metal scene, including extensive downloads, never-before-seen pictures, and verbose pontifications on their overall contributions to the global music scene? Fuck that. Perhaps a 'Part 2' piece to that 'Primer on Modern Cryptozoology' I posted lo those many, many moons ago, encompassing the many updates and documented specimens collected in the last 2 years? No, not that.
Today, we're gonna explore a topic much more important and interesting than any of that shit. We're gonna talk about a second-hand tabloid story from 6 months ago that I found on TMZ.

So.
Who remembers Shelby Cobra? No, not Shelby CobraS, as in ME, but Shelby COBRA (no "s"), lead singer for the all-girl Radio Disney pop-punk(?) group KSM. I wrote about her here and here in the past, but in case you lazy fucks don't want to click through and read my brilliant rants, I'll boil it down to a couple key paragraphs:

Shelby Cobra draws her influence from artists like Cyndi Lauper and Janis Joplin, and in February joined a manufactured band of watered-down "scene chicks" constructed by the production team of Robbie Nevil and Matthew Gerard and sponsored by Radio Disney. They are called "KSM", they are Hot Topic to the core,and you can check out their Myspace page here. They are also currently gaining massive amounts of popularity, with the endorsement of the Jonas Brothers and appearances on both Good Morning, America and Rachael Ray under their shiny belts. This is all kinds of wrong, but the arch-nemesis connection goes even deeper. Read on...

Shelby Cobra lists her heritage as "Italian-Swedish-Polish-Italian", a twisted mirror of my own proud geneology. You see, I am half Italian, in addition to being a quarter German (Germany borders Poland) and a quarter Norwegian (Norway borders Sweden). Is this strange duality somehow programmed into our very genetic material? Mere dislike or age-old blood feud? Hmmmm...
As the kids would say, this chick is "jocking my steez" in a major way. She is besmirching the honorable Cobras family name, bringing shame down on an institution that has always stood for truth, justice, and HEAVY METAL.

There is only one course of action to be taken here. "Shelby Cobra" must be destroyed, with great haste and without mercy.

Well, as TMZ reported on Sept. 11, 2011 (IllCon is always on top of the hottest celeb news stories), the pretender to the throne has indeed been crushed. Read this awesome, well-written TMZ story in its entirety below:

"Shelby Cobra, lead singer of the now-defunct Disney girl band KSM, was arrested early Friday morning for driving under the influence -- and according to our sources ... her blood alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Did we mention she's only 18?
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... Cobra, real name Shelby Spalione, was spotted in Studio City driving a 2005 Ford F150 with the dome light on and a passenger who was not only not wearing a seat belt, but was sitting sideways.
We're told when cops pulled the car over, they detected alcohol on Shelby's breath and administered a blood alcohol test ... which registered a whopping 0.15%.
She was arrested and booked into Van Nuys jail at around 2:00 AM. Shelby was released just before 11:00 AM on her own recognizance.
KSM was originally formed as a kids version of a Go-Go's cover band. Shelby joined the group later on and the focus shifted from pop to rock. The band broke up in 2010.
Calls to Shelby's people have not been returned."



Dang. Shades of 'Burning Dan', anyone?
I mean, it's no secret that when you fuck with IllCon, you will be summarily destroyed. But the fact that this news story broke on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? Seems like pretty goddamn solid proof that the good old U.S. of A. has our back, and is willing to strike down our foes through whatever means necessary. The demise of Shelby Cobra's career, whether it came about by mere happenstance, flagrant personal disregard for the law, or massive US Government Conspiracy in collusion with the IllCon Hidden Hand Tribunal of Elders, was nonetheless foretold and unavoidable, and I urge all those who would oppose our dear institution to take note carefully.

That being said, I would like to end this post by offering IllCon's full support of the incoming presidential regime, whether it be led by the proud, regal Rick Santorum (right), or the fierce, bold Mitt Romney (below). Heed the Council! The Santorupocalypse is upon us! Join us in our quest for global American dominance, and our crusade against moral degeneracy at the hands of homosexuals, perverts, liberals, circus clowns, and music bloggers! Hand in hand, Illogical Contraption and the United States Government will strike down any scourge, be it poorly-named pop singers, domestic terrorists, sodomizers of the human ass, or "heavy metal musicians".
December 21st, 2012 is upon us. Let us march forth to greet it, together, as Americans--as a united front, a God-fearing and CHOSEN nation--The Contrap-Nation.

Let this message be a warning to all.