I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

OK, maybe not.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

BADR VOGU

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

MUKNAL

SUTEKH HEXEN

CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

APOCRYPHON

Be there.

Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

The 6 Shittiest Little Brother Bands Of All Time

Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.

Deep inside Ill Con LABS

Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!

6 - .38 Special

Legendary Lynard Skynard front man Ronnie Van Zant will go down in history as one of the most badass singer/lyricists of all time. Too bad his shitty little brother Donnie won't. Known for their famous earworm "Hold On Loosely," which is obviously about Van Zant's masturbation style, .38 Special will forever be known as one of the most frequent bands on the county fair circuit. Amazingly .38 Special have recorded a whopping TWELVE albums including a disastrous Christmas album. Catch them live since they are perpetually on tour playing venues full of people waiting for that "one song."

5 - Malo

This is Carlos Santana's little bro Jorge's band. Known for their hit "Suavecito" which should be familiar to any red blooded Chicano American. I have to admit that I have mad love for that song as a burrito eater of Mexican decent, but the rest of their 8 album output? SHIT SHIT SHIT. Admittedly Carlos has become a total flaming bag of musical poop himself over the last decade. However those first 5 Santana albums (Self Titled - Welcome) are mighty, brutal and heavy as fuck. That's right. I rep for early Santana!

PS: Malo is also perpetually on tour. I'm seeing a trend here.

4 - Powerman 5000

I don't even know where to start with this fuckface. Powerman 5000 is the brainchild of "Spider One," younger brother of one the worst rock vocalist of all time Rob Zombie. If you thought "Dragula" was bad then you have never heard "When Worlds Collide" the one Powerman 5000 song to hit the charts. He's actually a WORSE singer than his older bro which is saying something! These guys basically cornered the shitty soundtrack market, as their contributions to terrible soundtracks is mightily impressive. Here is just a partial list of the soundtracks they have appeared on in addition to their 9 craptastic studio albums:

Freddy vs. Jason, Bride Of Chucky, End Of Days, Zoolander, Universal Soldier: The Return, Little Nicky, Scream 3, Dracula 2000, Blade II, Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, NASCAR Thunder 2004


And thats just the tip of the iceberg! SHEESH! The only movie in that list I'll stand behind is Zoolander, though I have not seen Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave which I must say intrigues me. I guess Blade II is OKAY.

3 - Adema

Fuck Bakersfield, CA for being a shitty town that gave us not one, but two of the shittiest bands of the last two decades. This band is fronted by Mark Chavez, who is the lil' half bro of the current King Of Dubstep, KORN's Johnathan Davis. Yes, this band got a record deal by riding KORN's coattails. How can they sleep at night? Can you imagine the groupies they get? Like Powerman 5000 they ended up on a bunch of b-movie soundtracks and still seem to be playing in some form or another. They are currently playing venues called things like "Bleachers Sports Bar" in Bristol, CT and have 4 amazingly awful albums under their belt  You remember their song. It's the worst. Fuck you, Adema! 

2 - Bloodcum

Ok this one gets a little confusing. The bass player in this 80s thrash outfit is the little brother of Slayer's Tom Araya. That is a fact. However the singer "Joey Hanneman" was NOT the brother of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and they just gave him that name as a joke since they kind of looked alike. I guess they reformed in 2005 and play shows on and off. These guys get a pass because they aren't that bad and LOL "BLOODCUM" is a funnie name, but let's face it, compared to Slayer they completely suck.

1- Audiovent

Fucking hands down, without a doubt, no two ways about it, the WORST little bro band in the world ever is the steaming pile of dreck known as Audiovent. Audiovent is very special as 3 out of the 4 members are little brothers of the terrible people known as alternative rockers Incubus. THREE OUT OF FOUR MEMBERS. FUCKKKK ME! According to wiki:


Three out of four of the original members of Audiovent are related to members of the band Incubus. Jason Boyd is the brother of vocalist Brandon Boyd. Benjamin Einziger is brother of guitarist Mike Einziger, and Paul Fried is their stepbrother.


Everything about this band is utterly embarrassing for everyone involed. Their lyrics were juvenile at best. Riffs? Who needs riffs? The production sounds like my butt. Look at that motherfucker's half shirt. Makes me upset.


They achieved minor success in 2002 touring with other amazingly disgusting bands like Saliva (RIP) and Theory of a Deadman (lol).Also they are from Calabasas, CA which is the same suburban cesspool of rich white shitheads as Linkin Park and the Kardashians (they are Armenian but you get my drift). Thank god they broke up in 2004. Something we can all be happy about. 

Honorable mention: Roger Clinton

Little bro to our very own rockstar POTUS, Roger Clinton is famous for doing coke while Bill was Governor (which Bill later pardoned him from while in office!) and releasing a terrible album of whiteboy blues while his older brother was the president. Roger is also an actor appearing in such films as Fred Claus and Pumpkinhead II!

A true American hero! Roger Clinton we salute you!!!!!

Recent shot of the Clinton Bros. I would totally smoke a blunt with these dudes.

Check out this hot JAMMMMM! WALKIN' THE DOGGG!! OWWWWWWWWW!

HEAVY METAL ALBUM COVERS RE-CREATED IN MS PAINT (A Retrospective)

As a direct result of Nothing Left Inside's post Saturday about shitty album art, I present you today with yet another rabbit hole, namely the short-lived trend of extreme-metal album covers being redrawn in MS Paint. Thanks to a re-posting of NLI's IllCon piece on Facebook (courtesy of internet-radio giants WMFU), the Bad Album Art thread spread far and wide, ultimately resulting in virtual Uroborous that leads right back to good 'ol IC Classic.

Our FB pal Aaron Neighbors hipped us to a shit-ton of his very own artwork (namely of the MS Paint variety) originally from a thread over on Nuclear War Now's message board (which in turn was spawned from earlier incarnations on DFFD and The Board That Shall Not Be Named), which blossomed, like the proverbial Corpse Flower, nearly overnight--eventually resulting in a stagnant pool of some of the most retardedly brilliant metal art I've ever seen. Out of respect for his diligence and hard work, we'll start with 25 of Mr. Neighbors' own designs, eventually moving on to another gallery of 25 greats from a further assortment of Nuclear War Now contributors.

This collection needs no further introduction. I believe the art speaks for itself.

Urgent update: Apparently there was a small misunderstanding. In Aaron's own words: "Also there was a confusion: only the Darkthrone, Beherit, and Mortiis featured are mine. The first 25 are not mine but belong to the dude that started this trend on NWN! I have many more in my own fb gallery so I don't want anyone to think those first ones are mine, those are way better than what I can do."

Update Update: This entire first run of images (besides the Ved Buens Ende cover) should be attributed to Mr. Patrick Hughes. Well done sir!

One "BONUS" image from Mr. Neighbors, which started this whole exploration in the first place:

Moving on:

25 further MS Paint-ed Extreme Metal Classics, all of them gleaned from various artists in the pages of the Nuclear War Now message board. Enjoy:

And finally, one "BONUS" image, possible the very greatest of the over 50 I've shared here today:

I could honestly get only halfway through the 53 pages of this thread before I gave up saving and re-posting. There is simply too much awesome. Feel free to head over there and check out the rest of the collection, as this is but a small cross-section.

Thanks again, Mr. Neighbors, for blowing my fucking mind.

In other news, check out the new IllCon logo sent in by our Bro Jay Howard from the LA-based band Wire Werewolves:

Dang. We have the best goddamn motherfucking readers on the entire internet.

You guys rule.