MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Armillaria solidipes AKA The Most Metal Thing You've Ever Read

Wikipedia: Armillaria solidipes (formerly Armillaria ostoyae) is a species of fungus in the Physalacriaceae family. It is the most common variant in the western U.S., of the group of species that all used to share the name Armillaria mellea. Armillaria solidipes is quite common on both hardwood and conifer wood in forests west of the Cascade crest. The mycelium attacks the sapwood and is able to travel great distances under the bark or between trees in the form of black rhizomorphs ("shoestrings").

Here's where it gets heavy:

It is known to be one of the largest living organisms, where scientists have estimated a single specimen found in Malheur National Forest in Oregon to have been growing for some 2,400 years, covering 3.4 square miles. Armillaria solidipes grows and spreads primarily underground and the bulk of the organism lies in the ground, out of sight. Therefore, the organism is not visible to anyone viewing from the surface. It is only in the autumn when this organism will bloom “honey mushrooms”, visible evidence of the organism lying beneath. Low competition for land and nutrients have allowed this organism to grow so huge and become arguably the largest living organism.

3.4 SQUARE MILES.
That's 8.9 SQUARE KILOMETRES.
That's 2,200 ACRES.
That's 94,786,560 SQUARE FEET.



Biologists estimate the weight of the colony to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 tons. That's the equivalent weight of three pregnant, adult blue whales, the world's largest known mammal.

Is your brain okay?

Maybe you should cool down by watching this video--depicting an Armillaria mellea mycelium bioluminescence display in time-lapse (condensed from one week to 18 seconds)--on repeat for a little while:



Now go 'Like' Armillaria solidipes on Facebook! (I was the third person to do so, get in now before it's "cool"!)

Don't say we never give you nuthin'

Not content with finishing off my Eno series with style, verve, moxie, chutzpah and aplomb, I have also taken it upon myself to give you good good people a couple of small christmas gifts. Call it a token of our esteem from us here at the IllCon compound for it is, after all, the season of goodwill and so forth.




















I did sneakily foreshadow this post in my last one, mentioning, as I did,'writing bollocks about massively overlooked bands from New Zealand' and my enthusiasm for the TV cartoon 'Adventure Time WIth Finn & Jake', so that may well give you a clue as to at least some of the content herein.




















So, my first gift here- just a small one really - is an alternate version of the theme tune to 'Adventure Time'. I find the main theme to be the weakest thing about the show - far too indie and twee for my sensitive ears - so coming across this version that borders on Fancy Metal was pretty darned algebraic for me...



Now, I'm sure there'll be the usual naysayers out there slinging the 'H' word around and blah blah blah, but to those people I say 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'. You soulless cunts, you probably don't like the goddamn Muppets either, and I don't fucking trust people who don't like the goddamn Muppets.


















...aaaaaand relax.

My main present is something that I'm pretty damn sure isn't currently to be found anywhere else on t'internet. That's right people, we got us an EXCLUSIVE. First, though, I gotta ask, does the name 'Shihad' mean anything to anyone?




















If your answer is 'yes', then you probably already know just how damn good their first few records were and you may well already have a copy of the recording(s) that I'm about post.
However, if your answer is a no then I think you're in for a treat. Here's a wee taster to whet your whistle...



Pretty damn rockin' huh? Kinda 'Helmet-y' y'think? Hell, have another...



Yup. I dig 'em.

Both tracks come from 'Killjoy', Shihad's second LP, which was released back in 1995 and is one of my all-time favourite records.
Their debut EP 'Devolve' and their first LP, and first international release, 'Churn' (produced by Killing Joke's Jaz Coleman, fact fans!) were pretty decent, but 'Killjoy' is just a BEAST. Blessed with a rhythm section that pumps like the engine on an exceptionally fine ship-of-the-line and some right noisy guitars, 'Killjoy' totally rocks my world. Hell, those guitars that crash back in at 3.24 during 'Bitter' sound less like guitars and more like heavy steel cables lashing against one another. KILLER.

I was lucky enough to see them live on their European tour in support of 'Killjoy'- although not, alas, in their Faith No More support slot - and can wholeheartedly say that they were a fucking fantastic live band too.




















As I said earlier, I haven't been able to find this posted ANYWHERE else on the internet, so consider yourselves very lucky boys and girls. I've even added the two B-sides from the 'You Again' CD Single - one of which is a cover of Bowie's 'Boys Keep Swinging' - AND the two Shihad tracks from their 'Happy Families' Split CD with fellow Kiwi lunatics Head Like A Hole. These are all from my own personal, deeply cherished, CDs so you'd damn well better appreciate 'em!


















Get 'Killjoy' by Shihad Here.



















Now, just before I leave you to slip further into your Turkey/Tofurkey-with-all-the-trimmings induced comas, I'd just like to add that Shihad still exist - their website can be found here - but they have done nothing of worth since their highly divisive 1996 self-titled LP, so if you decide to go digging around online after getting all fired up by 'Killjoy', don't say I didn't warn you.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE A LONELY TIME

My very first post for you fine people here at IllCon was going to be this grand opening statement about all the things I like and all the awesome things I plan on bestowing upon you. Well, I decided against that in favour of a more festive themed post.

First off, I hate Christmas. I hate all the usual things about it, the build up, the chatter about it at work, the constant rotation of Christmas songs on the radio, everything. All these things are pretty standard. My biggest gripe about Christmas is the fact that there is no escaping it in the slightest. No matter what we do, we are reminded about it wherever we go. Short of my grand master plan of having that small shack in the hills, away from civilisation, booby trapped and armed to the teeth, I don't think I will ever be able to avoid it fully. My usual plan for Christmas is barricading myself indoors alone, stocked up on booze, tunes and movies and just riding it out.

Its during these periods of being drunk by 11:30AM that you begin get a bit to involved in what's actually soundtracking your shambling, slightly destructive tour of the house. So as an early Christmas present, here is my go-to-lonely drinking album of choice, the Micheal Kamen and Eric Clapton helmed score to 1987, buddy cop, celluloid classic, Lethal Weapon.

Now, bear with me. I know Clapton is a bit out of touch these days and no one really cares who Micheal Kamen is, but I believe more than a few of us can relate to waking up in a trailer, feeling like shit and the dog needing to go out? Just like Riggs. Maybe even a smaller fraction of us can relate to having a hollow point bullet spare to do the "job right" should it come to it? Anyway, if you fall into one of these two groups then the sparse orchestral arrangements, sleazy bursts of sax and brief guitar interludes should carry you through this holiday season on your lonely chair untouched ( as long as you ignore the albums opening title track, which is just plain bad). Just keep your glass full and don't answer the door.

I'm getting to old for this Christmas shit!

Of course, you will need some visual stimulation as well. So here is my list of usual Christmas viewings.....

Now please leave me alone.

Indeed. Oliver AKA Nothing Left Inside is the newest addition to Team IllCon, and arrives with all metal credentials firmly in place (he has played with acts such as Black Mass, The Ergon Carousel, Atavist, and Narcosis, as well as writing for Die, Shellsuit, Die! and his own blog, Gonna Make The Pony Trot). Seems like a perfect fit, right? Of course.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

- Cobras

STAN BUSH HAS THE FUCKING TOUCH

Take a number, ladies.

As if the guitar-slinging, golden-throated, pussy-magnet shred wizard Stan Bush needs any sort of fucking introduction. You know him, you love him, you most certainly downloaded his finest work on the 1986 Transformers OST BACK HERE, you smoke his fingernail clippings, you masturbate to the liner notes of Higher Than Angels. You fucking know who Stan Bush is.
But on the outside chance that you don't already worship at the Altar of Stan, go to his website, have a look around, then come back here, crack a Carlsberg, and party the fuck down to the dulcet tones of "The Touch" (which most poseurs would probably identify as "that song from Boogie Nights"):



Thoroughly fucking pumped? Good.
Now that the Spirit of The Stan has ungently entered your body, it's time to get down with some super-obscure Bush Trivia. Now, I know what you're thinking: you're assuming this is the part of the post where I tell you that Stan Bush is one of the few people that crossed over between real life and the Transformers universe--via the Generation One, Season 5 scene in which, at an undetermined time period following the creation of the Headmasters and Targetmasters and the seeming defeat of Galvatron and Scorponok, Powermaster Optimus Prime spends a good deal of time relating Transformers stories to the human schoolboy Tommy Kennedy. Of course, after a series of stories wherein he describes the events of the battle with Unicron, Optimus Prime has to depart to attend an interstellar peace conference in the midst of a barrage of questions from Tommy. As he is blasting off, Prime declares "But until I return, I leave you with 'The Touch'!" Following this, the music video for "The Touch" begins, giving Stan his rare entrance into the fantastical realm of Transformers lore. This unprecedented appearance is also important when you consideHOLY FUCK THERE'S A LAZER COMING OUT OF HIS GUITAR.



But you guys all knew that shit already. I'm going deep on this one, into previously undiscovered regions of Bush Arcana. I will apologize in advance for your blown mind, for by the time you've finished reading this post you will be absolutely done for the day--no longer able to process any sort of information whatsoever.

I'll give it to you as quickly and bluntly as I know how:

In 2009, Stan Bush recorded a "re-imagining" of "The Touch" for the live-action sequel Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, a hella sick Linkin Park inspired rip-off gem which fuses the seemingly unconnected worlds of simpering 80's wuss-rock and post-90's rap-metal. No further introduction is needed.

Enjoy Listen:



Needless to say, director Michael Bay rejected the song outright, leaving Bush to post it, forgotten, like a sad bunk sock hanging from an inner-city clothesline, on his own website. Until today, that is.

Sorry for raping all of your childhoods once again. My bad.

Thanks to Doan at the illustrious Kissing Contest podcast for alerting me to the existence of this timeless jam. Kill yourself.

My Stoopid 2011 List

Year end lists...who's got time to read 'em, let alone write 'em? Do you follow The Long Way Home yet? No? What the fuck is WRONG with you? Homeboy assembled the most comprehensive metal year-end list ever. It's funny, insightful, and encyclopedic. Fucking mandatory reading.

Your humble writer, on the other hand, mustered a measly top five. This is attributable to holiday-onset ennui (fuck Christmas obviously), business (fuck the end of the fiscal year AMIRITE?), and the fact other year-end lists out there (see above) already destroy mine.

Here's to 2011 I GUESS. It was an OK year for metal.

Not posting links. You've got Google on your computer too.

5) Obscura - Omnivium (apogee of modern tech DM)
4) Mournful Congregation - Book of Kings (see this)
3) Absu - Abzu (all that is Good in one concise, perfect package)
2) Obsequiae - Suspended in the Brume of Eos (no surprise considering the pedigree. reinventing BM is no small feat in an oversaturated market)
1) Atriarch - Forever the End (Atriarch destined for world domination #realtalk)

BONUS: Top 5 albums on everyone's list I didn't get.

5) Autopsy - Macabre Eternal (mandatory pot-stirring selection - return to form? not hearing it)
4) Tombs - Path of Totality (i mean yeah it's good but really everyone?)
3) The Atlas Moth - An Ache for the Distance (ima pro-lo fanboy as much as the next dude but sorry this is just weeeeeeeak)
2) Disma - Towards the Megalith (i count at least 5 records that did the Swedish DM revival thing better than them)
1) Krallice - Diotima (nothing worked for me on this release, not the least of which was the vocals, extra-ugh)

SEASONS GREETINGS